Nowhere to Run

Running away is hard. Especially if you don't know where you're going.

I'm trying to figure out this whole "gay" thing, and if I'm really gay. There's no point to having these complications if I'm not actually gay...

Ugh, if only I had Operah on speed dial and ask her if she can help me with this crap. I mean, I am a good girl, really I am, but it's just this messed up world colliding with my life and feelings. I would want to be good, for the sake of God, which I decided to do one thing. I at least should stop cursing. I had a dream last night about drowning. That has to mean something.

If I can't think straight, I might as well stop cursing because I still believe in God's word. God does not approve of gays either. Ugh, maybe I should just try not to think of them. I mean, God did save me from suicide. I could be dead right now and not have a second chance of fixing my life. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not made to be gay.

For my name is Elle.

F-ed Up and You Know It... Grr

Trying to remember the last time I was happy... That day still doesn't come to mind... S i g h. I only wish I can think clearly but it's late, actually... it's early.

Grr, I really should learn to run away from computers. Nope, it's not happening.

So right now I'm scratching my head wondering what to do with my dumbass friends. Should I push one in a ditch and kill the other with my fist? No, that's too violent and I don't want to end up in jail. I guess the best way to fend off evil is to just yell at their sorry asses and smile proudly while replaying an inspirational song in my head just for the hell of it. Now wouldn't that feel like one of those cheesy teen movies I hate to watch but watch it because I'm just so addicted to that crap?

Forget that chiz, I don't have to put up with them this weekend. Yay! Four day weekend! It officially startyed twenty minutes ago, but hell yes! No more dumbasses to deal with. It funny how my mom complains about her coworkers and I complain about my classmates and teachers. She thinks she has it bad? I'm going through freaking puberty and kids are so cruel, it's not even funny. Damn, I just hope I don't go back to depression. I hated those days.

Anyhow, I remember an old friend. She used to be my world and we used to do everything together. Now she's a bitch and is stupid like the other whores in Philly. She started drinking and she's only thirteen. Go figure. I can only imagine her life when she's twenty. Probably half sober with three children and doens't know who father it is. Sad... so sad...

Grr, why am I even thinking about that? It's the past and I should be leaving that behind! Okay, well it's not completely the past if she Facebook-ed about it a few days ago. Crap Facebook. It's the new generation of hell and whores. Why must people make other lives more lazy and full of shit? Kids already have to deal with their ugly faces in school, now they have to put up with the half-naked photos? Damn these idiots! I want a l i f e... Not someone commenting on my status saying: Oh cool. That is BS and so not worth my time. I just want to live a little. Not drink like the hoes and bitches but actually hang out with friends and what not...

S i g h. I want to eat something. Rambling is tiresome. Ugh, I'll just read the lasted story on Inkpop or whatever, I don't feel like writing down my crap at this moment. Enjoy my tears and sorrows!

For my name is Elle.

Where Do I Stand...?

Sometimes I question myself... Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I another sex? It's these questions that emerge with my Christianity, making me believe I'm not a Christian. Sad to say that, but it's true. I sometimes think I'm not a Christian.

If these thoughts always haunt me... there has to be something wrong. I mean, I am a thirteen-year-old girl confused already, and my life barely even started. Ugh, why must life have so many roads to travel? So many decisions to make? I just want to live a pure life, but frankly, I actually do think I'm gay.

I wonder what my mom would think if she hears this. She's against anything gay related, and I am afraid to disappoint her. I have kissed a girl, in fact, that girl was my first gay crush. She was my bisexual best friend and she was so cute and I was attracted to her. Sadly, I think she only saw me as friends. I also have a current crush on one girl, but she's ... different? I dunno, I just know that my heart races and I can't stop looking at her.

But if I were gay... what would God think?