I'm trying to figure out this whole "gay" thing, and if I'm really gay. There's no point to having these complications if I'm not actually gay...Ugh, if only I had Operah on speed dial and ask her if she can help me with this crap. I mean, I am a good girl, really I am, but it's just this messed up world colliding with my life and feelings. I would want to be good, for the sake of God, which I decided to do one thing. I at least should stop cursing. I had a dream last night about drowning. That has to mean something.
If I can't think straight, I might as well stop cursing because I still believe in God's word. God does not approve of gays either. Ugh, maybe I should just try not to think of them. I mean, God did save me from suicide. I could be dead right now and not have a second chance of fixing my life. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not made to be gay.
For my name is Elle.
Oh my dear, I have found that it's espesially in the times that I try and figure out why I'm here and who i am, that I kind off loose myself.
ReplyDeleteThink of it this way.... life is like this giant garden, every choice you make is a seed you plant in the garden. You never know what type of seed exactly you're planting, but you plant it and hope for the best. Now after you put that seed in the ground, there ain't nothing you can do except sit back and wait to see what grows.
Life's like that, you know kind off what is right and wrong, but what the hell, try everything atleast once. and if it's a mistake you, oops. If it's turns out awesome, fuck yeah.
And what you said about God not loving gay people, how do you know, did you ask him?
Look I'm not the biggest fan of the guy, but i'm pretty sure the church is full of shit and has God totaly wrong. i think he's nice and loving.
Lastly, I know alot off people are probably telling you this now and it's the last thing you want to hear, because you want shit to happen now and not wait to see, but you are still young, and life has a way of figuring itself out if you just keep to making the right choices, right for yourself.
When I was your age I also went trough the 'am I gay' - phase and eventually I just went ah fuck it, why pick, so now I'm proud to say that I am bisexual.
Hope it all help,
Blessed be
Be yourself. Don't let some guy in the clouds control what feels right. Live your life in the pursuit of ultimate happiness. I have also struggled with suicide and depression. I hope you read more into my blog (thank you for following it, I will follow yours too) and see that you are not alone. That blog is my deepest, darkest thoughts. Embrace change within yourself and know that change is evolutionary and you are the catalyst.
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